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Hedda Dishes Drag Race :: MIlan gets the boot!

by Hedda Lettuce
Tuesday Mar 6, 2012

Hello gentle Americans. Before I begin my commentary on the latest episode of "RuPaul's Drag Race," I would like to make something perfectly clear: I like all the girls on the program. Ok, I disdain most of them (except for Latrice and Jiggly), but I do appreciate what they are doing, and I am tinged with jealousy with the amount of television exposure they're getting.

Now what queen would admit that? Not a single one of them! Granted I am a little drunk, slipped myself a "ruffie," and will say anything in this current inebriated state. Once my high passes, and the superintendent of my building is finished raping me, I will probably regret my vulnerability; but this I will never regret: I am delighted they gave Milan the boot! Milan, for the third time, found herself in the bottom two along with Jiggly Caliente.

Both gals were thrust in the ring and had to lip-synch for their life to Gaga’s "Born This Way." Milan pulled out all of her old tricks: she mopped the floor with her nut sack, her trick leg bound up and down like a pogo stick, she lip-synched with the ferocity of rabid raccoon, and in a moment of desperation she pulled off her yellow clown wig (once again) and tore off her cloths. Frankly, someone should have called the cops to report a crack whore was exposing herself in public, or at the very least dumped a bucket of pig’s blood on top of her. Now, don’t get me wrong, Milan is a close friend of mine, but our ’close’ friendship should not get in the way of bit of constructive criticism.

During the program RuPaul asked her, "Tell us what your look is all about?" Milan earnestly said, "I don’t want to be pigeonholed. My look varies depending on the situation." She went on to say something about dressing like a meter maid, parking garage attendant, or cleaning lady when the situation requires. Sounds like she can’t decide who she is, so how can we? Reminds me of this old adage, "You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time."

Jiggly should have been disqualified as well for kicking off her heels and performing in bare feet; I am not sure why the group of esteemed judges, including Kelly Osbourne and some girl from CSI, does not give the girls the heave-ho for this major drag sin? But it is obvious (at least to me) that the fumes from Michele Visage’s boob sweat are impairing their abilities. Milan was thrown overboard and Jiggly was washed ashore, keeping her in the contest.

In the main challenge each girl was given a color in the pride flag and told to create a magical pride float that was fashion forward and fabulous. Jiggly was given the color orange to work with; she looked like a turkey waiting to be sliced on a cozy Thanksgiving Day. Phi Phi turned it out with the color purple; her look worked seamlessly with her float, though her eye makeup needs a bit of improvement. The heavy caked-on liner was reminiscent of Tammy Faye Baker right before a pilled up crying jag.

Chad Michaels was pretty in pink, giving us a glam showgirl in a cotton candy confection. Kelly Osborne wished her look was less polished. Perhaps she should have fucked one of the union members on the crafts service table before her runway walk? It would have given her that devil-may-care quality the judges were looking for.

Sharon Kneedles churned out the color green in a float that looked like it was dredged up from a murky bog, with her right arm fisting a snake like puppet. I was so hoping the snake would have bitten Wilam on the throat, causing her larynx to close up. All her bragging, boasting, and drunken buffoonery is a major turn off. If Wilam shows off her butt hole one more time I am going to have to go on to Interferon for a bad case of Hepatitis. Though Kelly Osbourne was correct in saying that Wilam’s body is sick. Yes, sick like she has an eating disorder and a slight meth habit. Just because I have a healthy appetite does not mean I am jealous; but I am. Forget Weight Watchers, to get that summer body this season, puke into a vase and call your drug dealer.

Wilam won the challenge, snatching it from the queen that should have won: Latrice Royal. First of all she is the size of a pride float. Secondly she was the only gal that gave you glitz, glitter and glam. Granted her black S&M boots weighed down an otherwise perfect look, but that should not have been enough to take the title from her. Wilam was wearing a flattering one-piece cut up to her ball cleavage, but Latrice gave you gay pride.

Next week my psychic drag abilities tell me the bottom two will be Dita and Jiggly. Jiggly will not survive the battle of the lips and be sent home with a ham sandwich discretely tucked between her thighs.

Watch Hedda’s commentary on the Drag Race Season 4 contestants:

Hedda Lettuce is NYC premier Drag Comic. Hedda has appeared with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Williams and Madonna on such television shows as Project Runway, Sex and the City, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Ugly Betty. Hedda is one of the stars of The Sundance Channel’s new reality show-Garo Unleased and was on LOGO’s DRAGTASTIC! Hedda’s film appearances include: The Look (Carol Alt), Too Wong Foo, GO GO CRAZY from the producers of The Big Gay Musical, Violet Tendencies and Musical Chairs. She has been in numerous Off-Broadway shows and her annual holiday show-Lettuce Rejoice-has been a sold out event for the past ten years. Miss Lettuce has also had the pleasure of working with many high-profile charity events. For the past ten years, Hedda has been hosting a classic movie night, at the Clearview Chelsea Cinemas. This past June, Miss Lettuce celebrated her 11th anniversary hosting classic films at the legendary Ziegfeld Theater.


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