Hedda Dishes :: Baby Boom (Not)
Hello gentle Americans. Am I the only person who finds pregnant woman repulsive?
After seeing the photo of the aging bimbo, on the cover of NY Magazine, with her bloated belly, gray hair and wrinkles, all I want to do is barf all over my tits. The cover story is about how more women past the age of forty are popping out useless blobs of flesh. And I am supposed to be happy about this? More hungry mouths sucking up the oxygen and drinking up the already depleted water supplies sends me into shivers. Shut Jennifer Aniston's vagina now! Kelly Preston put a cork in it! Angelina Jolie it is time to close that thing for renovations.
Watching woman walk around with their distended stomachs, with this look of entitlement on their faces, demanding with a cold look for your seat on the subway, enrages me. Do you know what I say to them, "Listen bitch I am not the one who told you to get knocked-up. So don't give me that stink eye because you want my seat.
Besides, should you really be taking public transportation, with all these germs that could cause your baby to be born with flippers?" Usually, the other straphangers boo me after my tirade and I have to be careful, because one time I yelled at what I thought was a pregnant woman and it turned out to be a blind fat man. That explains that strange look he was giving me. Needless to say I have never been more embarrassed in all my life and to smooth things over, I put a dollar in his coffee cup. He was almost done drinking it.
One of the worst things to happen to fashion was when they started to dress pregnant women in form-fitting sexy outfits. Like I (or anybody) is going to find that attractive. Put back the shapeless shift on ladies before I go postal. Like some guy is going to see that baby PEZ dispenser Heidi Klum, in a Versace maternity dress and say to himself, "Yea I would like to tap that cottage cheese ass." Do you remember the old PSA: When a pregnant woman drinks, she is not just drinking, but so is her baby. So when a pregnant woman fucks, she is not just fucking, so is her baby. The last time I checked people, that’s considered fucking a minor.
Am I jealous because women can create life? Hell no. There are things I can do that woman can’t, like walk in heels without looking like a bovine. Personally I think that is far more useful. You only spend 9 months being pregnant, but you wear heels for life. Also I can give birth... to ideas. What do you think is more important, a baby or the invention of the smudge-proof lipstick? You know the correct answer. Not that I was the one who created the smudge-proof lipstick. If I did, do you think I would be writing this silly column? I would be on some beach somewhere, sipping on a virgin banana daiquiri, having lotion lathered on my smooth back by a tan, muscular man.
So woman please stop parading naked on the cover of magazines with your alien distended stomachs, looking as if you are closer to God because you can pop out a future useless reality show star. Frankly, if that were the case, I think it would be better to give birth to a serial killer. But that is a completely different article (and a Lifetime Movie to boot).